HOUSTOM – My kids -- ages 3 and 4 -- were screen time addicts.
We tried to be screen phobic, but it just didn’t work out the way we planned. It started with the pandemic. I told myself I needed the ability to do things around the house and the TV would be a good helper as we juggled jobs and child care and the need to be entertained as it seemed the world was crumbling around us.
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My kids could sit for hours and watch “Paw Patrol.” I’ve watched more episodes of “Mister Rogers” than I care to admit. The theme song for “Blaze and the Monster Machines” is forever imprinted in my mind -- and my kids’.
My husband and I are NOT proud of this and we needed it to change, especially because our kids were getting more and more aggressive when it was time to go somewhere or do something else -- anything else. When we would turn off the TV or our phones, they’d basically revolt, start crying and actively beg us to turn it back on – repeatedly.
Something NEEDED to change.
My husband and I debated how we’d do our intervention for weeks. We thought about physically taking the TV out of the living room because they’d mastered how to turn on the TV with the remote. They actually knew how to get YouTube to run and then autoplay.
We eventually hid the remote control on top of the refrigerator. We also instituted a new family house rule that we spun into a family-fun event. They just didn’t find out it was only one night a week until we went through the first one.
Family movie night. We had to make this worthwhile -- cue the carrot -- so we decided on a few changes right away. Family movie night would pull out all the stops. OK, so not a carrot. We’d have popcorn, M&Ms, gummy bears and pizza. For one night a week, we would not be moderate. At. All.
However, we were going to get super intentional about content. We would watch a single, long-form movie. A big problem we had with our boys was the ease of autoplay on YouTube and Netflix. Though I was always watching what the boys did, the single episodes slid into more single episodes and then the hours were passing into more screentime than you ever imagined your kids could consume.
As parents we used the time they watched TV wisely: doing dishes, putting up the wash, shopping for groceries and school supplies. However, all that effort screened our kids out of the living of our lives. Our kids didn’t know what all was going on right around them. That led to incredibly entitled kids who had no idea how much work their parents were doing while they binged “Thomas the Tank Engine.”
Making a big change
So -- the changes. One day, I hid the remote and did not budge, though they begged. The begging was intense. Every 10 minutes, my boys would ask if they could watch TV. I bet the question, “Can we watch TV?” was said 200 times that day. No joke.
To stop the question and just find myself some sanity, I went outside and started watering flowers. The boys love playing with the garden hose and followed me out to badger me some more. When they saw what fun I was having making rainbows with the water, they begged me again – but this time it was for a turn to hold the hose. I handed it over and fun ensued. We filled up their kiddie pool and they spent most of the afternoon out there.
When we came inside, the begging started up again. I got them a snack and showed them inside the cupboard at things they hadn’t seen before. I introduced them to the dishwasher. They made a swamp for their monster trucks in the dirty sink water. It was kind of gross, but I went with it. They were doing things with their hands and not sitting in front of the TV. When I began folding clothes, I grabbed a sheet and showed them how to make a tent.
Staying strong
At a ladies group I go to, I discussed the change we’d made in our house and another mom said she’d recently done the same thing, but urged me to “STAND FIRM.”
“Don’t give in, Mama,” she said.
I didn’t, but I knew if I was going to keep this up, I’d have to keep my super busy boys super busy.
They had enough toys, so we went to the library.
I’m a former librarian’s assistant and I believe in the power of books to transport and open worlds of interest and intelligence. I remembered the mountains of books moms would put on my desk for check-out. I was going to be one of those moms, I decided. The Fort Bend County Library has a limit of 50 books out at a time and we regularly reach the limit. But there’s always dad’s library card, too. (If you don’t know, now you do: I’m the mom with the blue IKEA bag and an overdeveloped upper body trucking into a Fort Bend branch. Not really on the good arms bit, but I’ll let you think that if you want.)
So did it work?
My very stubborn 3-year-old will still – more than a month and a half later -- ask at least once a day to watch TV. We don’t. We find things to do. They always find things to do. Markers, toy trucks and cars, monster trucks, LEGOs, trains, Playdoh, markers and acrylic paint crayons, coloring pages, construction paper, cups and refrigerator water, bubbles, kiddie pool and slide, play tent, books, trips for ice cream and to the splashpad and to the thrift store. These are the things of childhood – the things my husband and I loved about our childhoods and the things that we’re reclaiming with our kids’ childhoods.
My house is more of a mess these days than it’s ever been before, but it’s a good kind of mess and reminds me that people live here and we USE our house. It’s not a showpiece. I like my home pretty, but comfortable and very lived-in these days. This video changed my mind. (Be warned. You might cry.)
The kids are all right.
It sounds silly, but I really had this worry. Would they be deprived of cultural experiences? Would I be taking something really important away?
I can say now with complete confidence. No. We did not take anything away from them. In fact, their lives as kids are so much fuller. And they have Friday nights to look forward to. Family movie night is a treasured time for them and for us. We’ve watched “The LEGO Batman Movie,” “King Kong,” “Sleeping Beauty” and, yes, a few episodes of “Paw Patrol.” We talk about the movie we’re going to watch with the kids days in advance. We let them eat in the living room. We are freer and happier than I can remember and the tantrums have stopped over the tech. There’s imagination and play that goes so beyond re-enacting TV shows these days. My little son told me that his bunny was sick the other day and asked me to put a Band-Aid on his ear. There’s empathy there. My older son is getting more and more elaborate with the tent set-ups, telling me he’s creating a submarine.
I like watching kids that are “bored.” They whine a bit, but eventually find something to do. Kids haven’t changed and they’ll find something to do. They’ll even get interested in laundry detergent and dirty dishes if you let them.
And the future?
We know that this likely isn’t sustainable forever, but it’s working for now. My husband is letting the boys watch Wimbledon this month and we like watching the Astros every now and then. We also let them watch DVDs in the car on long trips.
However, I think the YouTube and Netflix ban has to stick. Those platforms make it SO EASY to let your kids just autoplay the day away.
We want kids, not TV zombies. I’m so grateful we’ve made it past the withdrawal and they’re can-play-with-just-rocks-and-sticks kids again.
If you want it, too
I love this article by the Mayo Clinic about limiting screen time for kids. The problems with screens, it points out, are often not with the kids, but with parents and guardians and our addiction to our phones and other tech reflected in our homes.
As it turns out the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn’t have official set guidelines, but focuses instead on “considering the quality of interactions with digital media and not just the quantity, or amount of time.”
In other words, maybe Family Movie Night instead of a slew of mindless cartoons slipping from one hour to the next. Maybe talking with your kids at dinnertime instead of firing up the iPad to constantly pacify them. Discussion with toddlers is hard, but you’re teaching them that discussion is important and expected at dinner. It’ll get easier if you practice with them.
We have to set the example. Though I’m sometimes on-call for work and often doing family chores on my phone, when my kids ask me questions, I have to -- with intention -- put the phone down and interact with them. We put away our phones at dinner and during our kids’ bedtime routines. Though my husband and I do sometimes watch TV together after the kids go to sleep, we’ve seriously cut down on the number of hours and shows we binge. It does start with you.
If you want to begin limiting screentime, my advice is the same that I received: Stay firm, Mama and Dada. It’s going to be a hard road, but it’s so worth it. Start naming your family rules and be ready for some ugly. It’s coming, but there’s truly another side. Just wait for the imagination unicorns to arrive. I promise -- they will.
Let’s talk about kids and screen time. Have you tried limiting screen time with your kids? What was the outcome? Let us know. Amanda will be in the comments on and off over the next five days, so be sure to leave your thoughts, ideas and conversation-starters and she’ll be back to discuss with you.