HOUSTON – Let’s play a quick game: Take a look at these photos and you try and guess which one is the American.
If you picked the blonde-haired gentleman, you’re wrong. I’m the American. Born and raised in northwest Houston.
Let’s try again. Which one of these two men is of South Asian descent?
Trick question! The answer is both.
Meet Jassa Ahluwalia, an actor and writer based in the U.K. whose recent memoir “Both Not Half” highlights growing up Indian/Punjabi and British. However, due to his outward appearance, Ahluwalia is not what you’d picture when you think of someone South Asian. For that reason, which he often references in his book, other Punjabi-speaking South Asians are taken aback when they hear he’s fluent. Although that would end up causing another issue.
“People often use, well — uncles and aunties particularly — have used my ability to speak Punjabi to shame their younger family and I find that infuriating because the reason I can speak Punjabi is because I was never shamed; I was never overly corrected. It was just something. It was how I spoke in order to connect with my Punjabi grandmother,” Ahluwalia tells me via Zoom. “There was never this expectation, put on me and I think largely that was also because of my whiteness, because, I think if I was a little brown boy, they would have been like, ‘oh, well, you obviously should be able to speak Punjabi,’ but because I was this little white boy, it was like any effort I made was really given a lot of praise.”
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I empathized with Ahluwalia’s struggle as someone who can speak Spanish and while I can’t speak it very well, it doesn’t stop people from wondering why their children can’t speak the language. There’s a sad part of Houston’s history, where many people of Mexican ancestry were not allowed to speak Spanish in school.
For someone like Ahluwalia, though he understands the racial ambiguity his outward appearance provides him with certain opportunities - especially as an actor - that may not be so readily available for other South Asian individuals. For that reason, he notes in his book that: “My Indian ancestry was my personal life; I was professionally white.”
“It’s sort of the industry conditioned me to be grateful for my whiteness because my whiteness was how I got work,” Ahluwalia explained. “It felt like to reveal or celebrate or push my Punjabi identity would make those opportunities go away. And really, that was grounded in reality; my brown peers (very talented actors) who were struggling to their foot on the ladder at that time.”
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This did not mean Ahluwalia was ashamed of his ethnic background, but just was well aware of the racial ambiguity that afforded him opportunities. Certainly, had I learned Spanish earlier in life and not in college, I arguably would have been able to blend in better growing up post-9/11.
“I never actively concealed it,” Ahluwalia noted. “I used my name, I was very proud of my name -- ‘Jassa Ahluwalia’ -- is a very specific Sikh-Punjabi name, but that name (associated with this face) resulted in a sort of ambiguity around it.”
With growing Asian American and even British representation, with actors like Riz Ahmed, Kumail Nanjiani, and Kal Penn, Ahluwalia notes in his book, there was a comfort in seeing people who shared cultural and ethnic similarities. He writes, “In every outrageous caricature and scenario, I recognized my family and myself. It felt like they were granting me permission to belong”
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As desi men (an umbrella term for people of South Asian descent) Ahulwalia and I were able to bond over how eye-opening it was seeing people who were literal representations of our lived experiences.
“I think that was the thing I was craving- belonging and connection beyond my immediate family and without looking to elders,” Ahluwalia elaborated in our conversation. “And so to have people who were like, around my age talking about similar things suddenly felt incredible. And I think that’s that sense of permission; I was like, ‘Oh, I’d love to do something like that. I’d love to be drawing on my heritage, my history, my experiences of growing up in the desi household.’”
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However, because there never seemed to be an outlet or people who “cared” about our experiences, it seemed pointless up until more writers of Asian descent began to break the bamboo ceiling. It finally presented a reason for us to feel comfortable in our own skin and celebrate where our parents came from (or at least learn about them). This is why former President Donald Trump’s comments about Vice President Kamala Harris, who is Jamaican and Indian, misleading people about her race were so problematic.
“I didn’t know she was Black until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black and now she wants to be known as Black. So, I don’t know, is she Indian or is she Black?” Trump said in early August.
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“We’ve got somebody here using ideas of racial purity essentially to undermine his opponent,” Ahluwalia said.
My mother is from Pakistan and my father is from Guyana, but I was born in Houston and raised by my mother, so naturally, sometimes I’ll feel disconnected when I try to bond with people - especially if they’re from the Caribbean. Not to mention, there’s already a word other Indo-Pakistanis will use (often as an insult) called “ABCD” (American Born, Confused Desi) when they’re unfamiliar with what should be (in their eyes) general knowledge every Pakistani should know. On the one hand, I want to learn and feel a part of something, but on the other, there’s underlying insecurity associated with “Am I ... enough?” Which I think most people, especially in Houston - given its well-known diversity - can relate to.
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So what will it take for us to break out of these socially constructed boxes we’ve placed ourselves in? Ahluwalia admits it’s a tough question to answer but perhaps we can feel grounded by just taking pride in being unapologetically ourselves.
“What I’ve really realized with the with the ‘Both Not Half’ journey and the conversations I’ve been having and what I really make explicitly clear is that none of us are half anything,” he said. “All of us are both something. And I think the more we can all appreciate and understand the multiplicity, that is present in all people and see that as a means of connection, something that we can sort of rally around, without this sort of feeling that we somehow need to have divisions in order to have, control and order, I think that’s really maybe where hope lies.”
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“Separation, as we see it, is the multitude of things that we see in the world and through our senses is really just an illusion,” Ahluwalia concluded. “But behind it all, there is an ultimate oneness, and it is all entirely integrated and connected.”
“Both Not Half” is now available for purchase in the U.S. To learn more about Jassa Ahluwalia, visit his website.