Welcoming your parents and in-laws into your children’s lives while also getting them to respect your way of parenting can be a delicate balance, says Childcare and Village Advocate Florence Ann Romano. Setting healthy boundaries up front may be the best way to avoid communication breakdowns and unnecessary resentments.
On KPRC 2+ Romano shared how to communicate successfully and set the boundaries needed to help make a multi-generational family functional.
For her insights, scroll below and watch the video at the top of the page.
Romano’s advice:
Setting boundaries with grandparents.
- The word ‘boundaries’ scares a lot of people, and it can sometimes be seen as threatening, but in reality, boundaries serve to protect a relationship.
- Boundaries can be small things, like telling the grandparent to call before they come over or asking them not to give your child sweets. Boundaries don’t have to be big or dramatic.
- There may be plenty of parenting choices that may not be agreed upon, but, at the end of the day, barring anything unhealthy or unsafe, a grandparent should respect a parent’s right to raise their children in their own way.
- If grandparents love, care for, and cherish developing or cultivating a relationship with their grandchildren, It’s important to have the same relationship with the source of those grandchildren: the parents . . their child.
Communication of parental boundaries is key!
- Make your expectations known. Even your own parents can’t read your mind, so it’s important to communicate clearly.
- All boundaries must have consequences. Before declaring your boundaries, have a conversation with yourself and your partner, about what the consequences for overstepped boundaries will be.
Explain your choices
- Grandparents are experienced at raising kids, but a lot has changed since they were actively parenting. Patient explanations may help when it comes to things like . . . Why your crawling baby doesn’t need to wear shoes just yet, no matter how cute they were in the store. And why you would rather pay two dollars more for organic fruit because you prefer your child stays away from toxic pesticides. Grandparents may roll their eyes at some of your parenting methods, but if you take the time to explain, at least they’ll understand where you’re coming from.
Pick your battles
- It’s unrealistic to expect the grandparents to behave like paid babysitters following a checklist. They’ll need some free rein to create their own dynamic with your kids. If it’s important that they respect your toddler’s nap time, hold that line. But ease up on less essential rules. Maybe it’s okay for the kiddos to enjoy extra dessert or a weeknight movie when in their grandparents’ care. Kids can understand that there are different rules for Mom’s house and Grandpa’s house.
Ask about their boundaries.
- The relationship isn’t a one-way street. Find out what the grandparents need from you to make visits successful. For example, your in-laws might be more sensitive to mess or noise than you are, and knowing that, you can prep your kids accordingly. Or your mom might love babysitting during the day but prefer not to drive home in the dark. Respecting grandparents’ boundaries will help them respect yours.
Show appreciation.
- It also never hurts to say thank you! Grandparents get a lot of joy out of spending time with their grandchildren, but it’s still tiring, because, you know, kids. Make sure they know how much you care and how important they are to your family. FaceTime on holidays when you’re not together, have the kid’s mail notes and artwork and include Gram and Gramps in both the special (recitals, graduations) and the mundane (brunch, park) when you can.
Romano worked as a childcare provider for over 15 years and is now an author, philanthropist and YouTube host.
You can stream KPRC 2+ weekdays at 7 a.m. on click2houston.com and on the KPRC 2 app.