HOUSTON – The murder of 12-year-old Jocelyn Nungaray has sent shockwaves in the Houston community, especially parents who fear this as their worst nightmare.
I have a 12-year-old daughter and I can’t imagine the pain this mother and her family are feeling as they try to understand who could have done this to their loved one.
It got me thinking how difficult it is to be a parent these days, with all the pressures of allowing our child to exist in the digital social world, keeping them safe, keeping up with work, household and family demands. How can we possibly keep up with all these challenges at the same time and keep our children safe during the summer break when many of us have to work and not stay as vigilant on our children?
I reached out to Dr. Bob Sanborn, President & CEO of Children at Risk to help us all come to terms with these parenting challenges threatening our children’s safety.
Daniella Guzman: “In your experience, does it seem like the age is getting younger and younger when some kids are being exposed to more things and possibly taking these risks or trusting people?”
Bob Sanborn: “Well, it’s interesting when you look at national data, what you find is that, kids in high school are actually getting a little bit more conservative, but in terms of being as adventurous, middle schoolers, are taking more risky behavior. So, yes, we are seeing this trend where kids are getting younger and younger in terms of, you know, lack of judgment and sort of putting that judgment to test. And I think that’s something that parents really need to, to look out for.”
I asked Dr. Sanborn about the importance for parents to work overtime of developing an open communication with kids.
Bob Sanborn: “You don’t want to start that conversation in middle school, you start early on so that by the time you get to middle school and high school, you already have that, communication. And that’s a real key to success with kids having this ongoing communication.”
Bob Sanborn: “It’s a lot of work. No one ever said parenting was going to be easy, but we didn’t know it was going to be this hard. One of the things you could do is, in addition to keeping the communication going, developing that trust, it’s also understanding that, kids want you to be engaged in their life. Kids really need rules. A lot of parents think, well, my kids are old enough, you know, they’re not going to follow the rules. But if you’ve had rules all along, it’s really sort of these are guardrails for kids. And so you want to have rules. Now, that doesn’t mean there’s not going to be a disaster from time to time. And what you need to understand is that, kids that are in their tweens, kids that are in their teens are going to push boundaries, you just have to be there for them and hope that you’re there to catch them when things like this happen.”
I wondered what’s a good age to start this open conversation about their safety online, Dr. Sanborn says it depends on the child.
Bob Sanborn: “There are some kids that when they’re in first grade, you realize that they’re pretty savvy. You can start talking to them then, for others it’s third or fourth grade. But again, you start when you have that very easy relationship where they feel like, there’s an open communication.”
Dr. Sanborn talked about a misguided thought many parents have.
Bob Sanborn: “We see a lot of parents who just think of the iPhone or the technology that their child has, as sort of a diary like, well, I don’t want to go in there. That’s their private stuff. Nothing could be further from the truth. You need to be engaged with that phone. You need to know what’s on it. And some parents go so far as to say, I’m going to check this at the end of every day. If you have deleted, you know your history. I’m keeping the phone right. So we’re going to have an ongoing relationship around this phone, and I’m letting you have this, but I want to know what you’re doing and you need to show me what you’re doing.”